Becoming a sister... again!

Firstly, never in my life would I have expected to see my dear old mum give birth. Like ACTUALLY see it. But here I am sharing my experience with the world and what an experience it was.
So after waiting for 8.5 months, seeing big belly get bigger and feeling my little sister hiccup inside my mums tummy she was finally ready to grace the world with another beauty.

my mum has always been superwoman to me, since I was a young child I believed she had powers such as how much shopping she could carry when my poor feeble arms only let me carry the bread and a few tins. But as I got older I kind of stopped believing that, until March 23rd when my faith was restored and not only that I realised women who have children are all superheroes.
She spent 8.5 hours in labour and only 3 swear words came out of her mouth, which if it were me im sure it would be in the thousands.

Finally at 10.30am my glorious baby sister finally arrived, words cant really explain what seeing a tiny human being come into the world feels like. I mean I love my siblings but something was different, maybe its because im older now and have some life experience but whatever it was my instant need to love and protect her like she was my own kicked in.

I proceeded to change nappies, feed, dress, cuddle and adore this tiny human being. Without a second thought I would give my life for her. More than that it has brought me closer to my family, primarily my mum because I understand what I put her through and the experience of being with her when she did that can never be taken away from me. After the birth she told me "I am so happy you were here with me" hearing her say those words warmed my heart.

I am hoping to be the best big sister this time around, I am going to teach her right and wrong, be there when she is heartbroken, dance with her when she is happy and love her until I take my very last breath because well, that's what sisters do.

Fix me.

Second guessing everything? Well guess what I am too. Every once in a while I decide that every choice I have ever made up until this point was the wrong one. Normally I stay in this slump for a bit then realise I am being silly.
Sometimes I find that some choices ive made may not have been the best, however the majority of the things I worry about are pointless.
All of the worrying has really had me down this week, and no amount of support from those around me made me feel better. Until I spoke to my mother yesterday, and what you don't know about my mum is that she isn't the first person I would take life advice off. I love her to death but she isnt built for this sort of thing. However surprisingly she gave me a piece of advice as I cried my little heart out and demanded she fix my life.
"Only you can fix what is making you unhappy, only you can assure your own happiness"
Like WOAH mum, that little, rare nugget of wisdom took me back...
It also confirmed a big fear, that getting myself out of this slump isn't immediately fixable and that things ultimately have to be fixed slowly else they just fall apart again. Also not everything can be fixed at once, prioritising is important.

so right now im just trying to figure what to fix first and how to fix it, because super glue and sticky tape aren't working.

Finding HAPPY.

I've spent a lot of my life, well the 21 years I have had searching for my happy. Many boys, tattoo's, piercing's and career changes later I made the concious decision to stop.
That my happy wasn't spending my time searching for it, but rather appreciating what I already had and well being happy with it.

I have a lot to be thankful for, and this year seems to be setting me up for a lot more to come!
I have the greatest friends, who this year are going to celebrate finishing our first year at uni and moving in with a great human.
My family, who any time now will be welcoming another member, who i hope to be the greatest big sister too even though I am already a great big sister! Then to top it all off gaining yet more family with a beautiful wedding which I could not be more proud of. I could not be happier or more lucky to have a wonderful step father.
Then finally when I decide to stop looking for someone, fate threw him at me and well I welcomed it with open arms.

I guess the lesson I have learnt is that once you stop looking for happy, happy seems to find you!

Being me?

Feeling like a stranger at home is one of the most disconcerting feelings iv'e ever experienced.
everyone seems to be the person who has their place, class clown, sarcasm expert, lover, fighter, friend, foe. I seem to be... well just me.
I don't find myself being put into any of these brackets and recently this has become one, if not the hardest thing to accept. Everyone has a story and mines not interesting.

I'm not funny enough to warrant laughs, sarcastic enough to offend but entertain, beautiful enough to be fallen in love with, angry enough to fight, caring enough to be that shoulder or despicable enough to be the enemy.

Right now, the world is a place where I don't have a place.
Since coming to university I have rejected every stereotype of the experience:
"you know you just find yourself at university", I have heard this repeatedly for so many years that I was so expectant and excited to find myself and essentially find where I fit in, in society.
 "work hard, play harder" I find myself working hard but not "playing" as such, I mean how am I meant to do this when my idea of fun is a good John Green book.

Mcbusted... A lot of everything.

So the long awaited day has arrived and I can finally listen to the greatest combination of bands ever.. or so I thought.

Now separately I was a massive fan of Busted and McFly, really I was always more of a galaxy defender, however when I heard 'Air Guitar' I did allow myself to believe that this would really work!
Now I am not so sure, yeah its a genius idea I just don't think it worked as well as it could have.

The influence of Blink 182 is abundantly obvious, some tracks such as 'Air guitar' and 'Riding my bike' have the feel of Mcfly and a more pop essence, which I actually really enjoyed. However some songs such as 'Hate Your Guts' just didn't do it for me, I am all for bands trying new things I just felt the influence of the more pop Mcfly and the new (without Charlie) Busted just didn't mesh well and at times during most songs I found myself feeling like I was listening to two very different bands doing one song. I mean there was even some Son of Dork in there and really... we all know why that didn't last. It wasn't as cohesive as I expected and honestly there are a few diamond songs on there and I am sure the album will do well off the back of old Busted fanatics and Galaxy defenders..

I don't know about you, but i'm feeling 21

okay so I might be a year early for the Taylor Swift song, but today I am a internationally recognised adult...
It's somewhat strange to think that I am old enough to do everything, everywhere. I am not a birthday person, a whole day where people focus on me is not an attractive concept. I have however decided that I do like the idea that I have a whole year of extra wisdom. I don't feel 21 in fact I still feel 16 at heart.

I suppose thanking my mum is really what I should be doing today, I mean my part was easy she is the one who did the hard part. So I suppose thanks mum, for bringing me into the world 21 years ago today all I have done to deserve this celebration is last all these years.
So in true style I am going to drink and probably make a fool of myself because well, tomorrow im going to start being an adult...

Yeah right!

Why I chose to study English Lit and American Studies

I have been asked by family and friends many questions about my choice of course at university, mainly why American Studies if you want to work in publishing?
Here I am answering that question, choosing English literature was pretty normal to those who know me well, from a VERY young age I have always been fascinated by books and the idea of delving into a world somebody else has created.
I will be studying work from medieval time periods all the way to contemporary works, this nicely links in with the career I hope to have when I eventually finish! It gives me an all around view of literature through the ages. I have always been fascinated by work that pushes the boundaries of what was expected of those in their own time periods. Females that wrote about empowerment in times when they were expected to look pretty and cook for their husbands, when a male writes from the perspective of a female and visa versa.
But the question I get second to 'what is American studies?' is Why? This I think I can nicely sum up in a few short words.
I decided to take American Studies for the pure fact that it is an all around subject, there is politics, foreign policy, arts and culture and mostly history. Very much like I enjoy delving into the imaginations of others in books I find myself questioning the choices of others VERY frequently. With this subject I get to see the stark contrast of life in the UK and life in the US, not just from the perspective of those that run the country but those who make the country. The ordinary folks, those who chose to sit at the front of the bus, those who saw the pain inflicted on different races and never did anything about it. I want to know more about what makes America this idealistic place, Americans.

So it did not really end up being only a few short words, but then I never really was one to stop myself from talking and I don't think I ever will be.