Fear.

Fear has become my biggest fear. This seemingly confusing statement has become one that I seem to be living my life by. Fear although abstract, holds the power to prevent wonderful things from happening, and lessons from being learnt.

Our biggest battles are against the enemies that we cannot see, the ones you don't see coming or can't ever seem to fight off.

Goodbyes suck, FACT.

I am a serious hater of saying goodbye, be it for a few hours, weeks, months, years or forever.
Unfortunately I am unlucky enough to be collateral damage of divorce, a side effect of divorce is saying goodbye. 

In my case its my sister and dad, I know its ridiculous to feel left behind when they leave but I can't seem to deal with it as well as I wish I could.
So every time they drive away, I force myself to feel okay. I tell myself that I will see them soon. Being on my own most of the time means having them around is something I get used to very quickly. I don't complain about living with my mum its brilliant but there is something about having your sister around to gossip with that you just cant replace.
My dad on the other hand is my comedic relief, he is who makes me laugh as soon as I need to.

Today I once again had to say goodbye for almost a month and I keep reminding myself that it is only just a month. That I am lucky enough to say that in 21 days I will be gossiping and laughing to my hearts content. 

The art of growing up

So I sent my youngest sister off to her first night out as a fully fledged adult. I know this seems sad but I spent my 18th drinking water and wondering what all the fuss was about. I do have to hand it to her she has grown up more than I ever thought possible recently. It seems that not only physiologically has she aged but mentally and more importantly she seems to have found something she loves and is finally being educated in it and we'll succeeding. Not many people including my cynical self thought that she would ever mature and achieve something and I'm  aware that is a horrid thing to say but she really was possibly one of the worst people for education. Me beings. School nut and loving the intake of knowledge meant I really didn't understand but now I think I do.

All I can say is that I know how much she hates me trying to mother her, but it is nothing but in my blood to ensure that she is safe, healthy and maybe now I realise most importantly HAPPY. A majority of the time I cannot stand her but I will always love her and want the best for her, seeing her grow up is terrifying but even though it may have been a little harder and certainly more troublesome than my transition to adulthood I could not be prouder of her.

Also the balloon's we used to keep her young were a reminder that even though she is eighteen now, she will always be childish when it comes to being goofy sisters, and well our mildly immature father. I wouldn't have them any other way, no really I wouldn't...

Lonely hearts what?

So I suppose its valentines day, and I mean I get the concept of it I just don't really partake in it. This is not due to the continuous single life I lead, and its not because im not a romantic (I enjoy a good love song) its just that I make a conscious effort to ALWAYS tell the special people in my life that I do love and appreciate them.
I do this with, cups of coffee, dinner after a long day at work, a simple hug or a few words of adoration. Not special valentines chocolate, flowers, teddy bears and cards. The things that show someone you love them are the things you don't need to think about.

So yes tell your loved ones how much you do love them, but remember that you should do that all the time, don't wait for a day to dictate that to you!

 

Is Twitter becoming a weapon?

I think that the idea of Twitter is actually brilliant, people getting to voice their opinions in 140 characters or less for the world to see instantly as you feel them. It is a great way to stay connected, however I think it is increasingly being used for the wrong things. Opinions arent being valued, and really it is hard to get your point across without being misconstrued in 140 characters, this has been more frequent recently. For example just as recently as this weekend Tyler Oakley a incredible person and advocate and part of the LBGT community felt the need to 'take a break' after voicing his opinions over a famous boy band members tweet. now whatever 'side' you may be on the response from fans was actually kind of disturbing, and reminded me that we live in a world where sending someone death threats is okay. This is to be honest a VERY extreme response to Tyler not agreeing with someone's opinion which to be honest was tweeted, again 140 characters is not enough to give anybody the right to judge someone especially to make threats on someones life, or insult them personally. Because honestly as much as we like to believe it, we do not know the people behind the keyboard, or in the movies, music videos or even on the YouTube channels.

Things I never got to say to you

I never got to tell you that everything you taught me made and is still making me a better person,

I never got to say that inside your hugs were my favorite place to be,

I never got the chance to tell you just how much I loved you,

I never got the chance to tell you that even though you have been gone for 7 years I still make sure I live in a way that would make you proud,

I never got to say Merry Christmas enough,

I never got to say happy 56th birthday nanny,

Ill never get to tell you that I miss the sound of your voice, every single waking moment. 

New years resolutions

New year, New me. Every single year without fail these words come out of most people's mouths and each year I believe that releasing these ideas into the universe means I have to achieve them. Still it seems that every year I succumb to the tradition of well... failing. This year I decided that if I happen to want to become healthier, focus on school or quit some bad habits I will do because it is time to and that I feel comfortable enough to try.
New years resolutions are meant improve the person you already are, which to me seems like something that you should strive to constantly do. The last number rising by one, is this really a valid reason to FINALLY decide to change something?
So not because the 13 is now a 14 but because I believe that I personally am ready to make these changes, I decided to set myself goals, not only to complete this year but hope to keep improving on for the rest of my life.

I've also decided that my 'new years resolutions' are going to be mainly about the enrichment of others, be kinder, help my mother out more, spend more time with my family, remind them I love them, become healthier because I want to be around to see my sister and brother get married and have children.
The world is also full of darkness and if smiling at strangers, holding doors open or using my manners give someone a reason to smile, I have helped to add a little bit of light into so much darkness then I have succeeded in 2014.