Its been a while...

Life has become seemingly more and more complicated as I have gotten older. I think it is safe to say that there is a strong connotation of my age and responsibilities. My most recent anxiety provoking situation has been finding a place to live for my final year.
I have always had a lot of fun looking at houses with my parents, examining floor tiles, curtains and whether there was enough garden space for potential BBQ parties. However I never fully understood how the intricate details and stress inducing conversations with estate agents can become more painful than stumping your toe (we all know how painful that is).
I cant say that my experience is a universal one as I did leave it to the last minute (through no fault of my own) but I can tell you that I probably wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. having to do all of this while taking exams certainly took its toll... hopefully not on my grades though!

Right now I am taking some hard earned rest, and reading a book for recreation?! Who would have thought it!
The book by the way is black eyed Susans, and to be honest im actually loving it so far! I am sure when I find myself at the end ill have a nice blog post ready with all my thoughts and feelings on it.
But until then, I am going to take my bitter sweet time reading it!

Losing touch

Around this time of the year I find myself contemplating a lot of my friendships.
Okay so that sounds like I am a horrible friend, but the truth is that people that I saw everyday I have not spoken to in months and sometimes years. I will be the first to admit that I am partially to blame, I mean life gets busy sometimes! However to not speak to someone you considered your best friend for over five years is really quite tragic. I do understand that an effort needs to be made on my part but a friendship is not one sided and as much as I forget to keep in contact they do too.
It has gotten to the terrible point where texting or calling these people would be a weird thing to do. A call that I assume would be mistaken for something being wrong or a call of some tragic news. Is there a point when you have not spoken to a best friend of five years for so long that it becomes awkward when you do?

I take my time to think about all of the memories that I not only made with this specific person but with the friendship group that we were a part of. I holidayed with one girl, helped her relationship of now 6ish years but yet we haven''t talked in so long I honestly couldn't say that I know her any more.
Would we even have anything to talk about?
These friends that I am referring to were there for me at a really difficult time and I can honestly say are a huge part of why I am me today. However they don't get to see or know the person that they helped to shape.
Silly things like the Disney sleep over that we had are what I miss most, where we collected about ever pillow in my house. Then we put on a soundtrack mix and danced and sang our hearts out before stuffing ourselves with popcorn.

I think what I am getting at is that I really wish I hadn't lost contact and maybe there is still a salvageable friendship somewhere in there, guess ill have to text and see.

Freshers AHOY!

So its been a whole year since I found myself packing up my life into an impressively or depressingly small amount of boxes and hauling myself off to university.
I have to admit that I have learnt an extraordinary amount about the real world during this time and as a lot of people are just starting on this journey I thought that I am pretty qualified on giving some fresher do's and dont's!

DO be very careful with money, I wish I had been told just how expensive simple things are when you need to buy them... Toilet roll for instance is something that I never thought would cost as much as it does!

DONT believe what you have heard, every single fresher is different and there really is no pressure to become a social butterfly. If you would rather stay in and read a good book, do. But make sure that you do go out and make friends, these are your allies if you need someone to join you for a late night library session they will be there.

Leading on from that last point DO utilise the library, my university has a 1am closing time and it is a life saviour especially when you need to pull an late night with no distractions as anyone at the library at 1am is definitely there for the same reason as you!

So they say that the friends you make in university are friends for life, however DONT be afraid to become friends with someone that you normally wouldn't. my flatmate is the person I thought I would avoid due to my very small if not non existent social skills. However the parts of her I thought I would disagree with the most, actually make me a better person. Anyway enough about her, she already has a big enough ego.

Really I wouldn't change a single thing about my first year at uni, but I do wish someone had told me to focus less on the horror stories and embraced it a little more.

Becoming a sister... again!

Firstly, never in my life would I have expected to see my dear old mum give birth. Like ACTUALLY see it. But here I am sharing my experience with the world and what an experience it was.
So after waiting for 8.5 months, seeing big belly get bigger and feeling my little sister hiccup inside my mums tummy she was finally ready to grace the world with another beauty.

my mum has always been superwoman to me, since I was a young child I believed she had powers such as how much shopping she could carry when my poor feeble arms only let me carry the bread and a few tins. But as I got older I kind of stopped believing that, until March 23rd when my faith was restored and not only that I realised women who have children are all superheroes.
She spent 8.5 hours in labour and only 3 swear words came out of her mouth, which if it were me im sure it would be in the thousands.

Finally at 10.30am my glorious baby sister finally arrived, words cant really explain what seeing a tiny human being come into the world feels like. I mean I love my siblings but something was different, maybe its because im older now and have some life experience but whatever it was my instant need to love and protect her like she was my own kicked in.

I proceeded to change nappies, feed, dress, cuddle and adore this tiny human being. Without a second thought I would give my life for her. More than that it has brought me closer to my family, primarily my mum because I understand what I put her through and the experience of being with her when she did that can never be taken away from me. After the birth she told me "I am so happy you were here with me" hearing her say those words warmed my heart.

I am hoping to be the best big sister this time around, I am going to teach her right and wrong, be there when she is heartbroken, dance with her when she is happy and love her until I take my very last breath because well, that's what sisters do.

Fix me.

Second guessing everything? Well guess what I am too. Every once in a while I decide that every choice I have ever made up until this point was the wrong one. Normally I stay in this slump for a bit then realise I am being silly.
Sometimes I find that some choices ive made may not have been the best, however the majority of the things I worry about are pointless.
All of the worrying has really had me down this week, and no amount of support from those around me made me feel better. Until I spoke to my mother yesterday, and what you don't know about my mum is that she isn't the first person I would take life advice off. I love her to death but she isnt built for this sort of thing. However surprisingly she gave me a piece of advice as I cried my little heart out and demanded she fix my life.
"Only you can fix what is making you unhappy, only you can assure your own happiness"
Like WOAH mum, that little, rare nugget of wisdom took me back...
It also confirmed a big fear, that getting myself out of this slump isn't immediately fixable and that things ultimately have to be fixed slowly else they just fall apart again. Also not everything can be fixed at once, prioritising is important.

so right now im just trying to figure what to fix first and how to fix it, because super glue and sticky tape aren't working.

Finding HAPPY.

I've spent a lot of my life, well the 21 years I have had searching for my happy. Many boys, tattoo's, piercing's and career changes later I made the concious decision to stop.
That my happy wasn't spending my time searching for it, but rather appreciating what I already had and well being happy with it.

I have a lot to be thankful for, and this year seems to be setting me up for a lot more to come!
I have the greatest friends, who this year are going to celebrate finishing our first year at uni and moving in with a great human.
My family, who any time now will be welcoming another member, who i hope to be the greatest big sister too even though I am already a great big sister! Then to top it all off gaining yet more family with a beautiful wedding which I could not be more proud of. I could not be happier or more lucky to have a wonderful step father.
Then finally when I decide to stop looking for someone, fate threw him at me and well I welcomed it with open arms.

I guess the lesson I have learnt is that once you stop looking for happy, happy seems to find you!

Being me?

Feeling like a stranger at home is one of the most disconcerting feelings iv'e ever experienced.
everyone seems to be the person who has their place, class clown, sarcasm expert, lover, fighter, friend, foe. I seem to be... well just me.
I don't find myself being put into any of these brackets and recently this has become one, if not the hardest thing to accept. Everyone has a story and mines not interesting.

I'm not funny enough to warrant laughs, sarcastic enough to offend but entertain, beautiful enough to be fallen in love with, angry enough to fight, caring enough to be that shoulder or despicable enough to be the enemy.

Right now, the world is a place where I don't have a place.
Since coming to university I have rejected every stereotype of the experience:
"you know you just find yourself at university", I have heard this repeatedly for so many years that I was so expectant and excited to find myself and essentially find where I fit in, in society.
 "work hard, play harder" I find myself working hard but not "playing" as such, I mean how am I meant to do this when my idea of fun is a good John Green book.